>Day 10 of 30.

>Something you are afraid of.

There’s so much I am afraid of.

My biggest fear is what could happen to me or Jess, if one of us is really sick or dies. I am deathly afraid of one of us not being able to see the other if something tragic happens, simply because we aren’t “married”. God forbid something should ever happen, but if shes is in the hospital, I am afriad I wont be able to get to her. I am scared that I wont be “allowed” in her hospital room or to make decisions on her behalf. I think about this all the time and it breaks my heart. I know laws are supposed to be changing and that hospitals dont hold these rules anymore, but still. I worry about always having to defend my relationship to someone or my relationship never being taken seriously in these types of situations. I am so scared that when we have children, if one of us dies, that the other will have to fight to keep the kids we had TOGETHER. I also worry the one left behind will also have to fight to keep the house or any possessions we have together. We plan to have as many legal documents drawn up to protect each other from anyone taking anything from us. The documents/living wills will literally name every single thing so that there is no question. I dont think our families would do anything like this but you never know what a someone will do after losing someone they love. We will name each other power of attorney in all cases and even now list each other as emergency contacts. This is something straight couples rarely have to think about, and its so unfair. I HATE that my life is dictated by people I dont know and dont know me. My right to get married to a woman is MY business and no one else’s… but thats another post.

Another fear of mine is that we will never have children. I am scared it will cost us way too much and that we wont be able to get pregnant. Adoption is something we plan to do anyways, but we both want to carry a baby. On that note, I am scared that we wont ever be approved to adopt simply because we are lesbians.

Fire. I have a fear that one day when we leave the house, it will catch on fire. The fur-babies are crated at night and when we are gone, and I worry that they will be trapped if the house catches on fire. Many times when I leave, I make sure the dryer isnt running and that there arent any blankets/clothes near outlets. I try to turn everything off (except the tv with cartoons we leave on for them to have some noise 🙂 ) I cant leave them out of the crate because 1. they might tinkle on my floor, 2. it stresses them out because dogs feel they need to protect the house so they pace the house, and 3. they like their bed, its never a struggle to get them in there. Also with the fire, I am afraid I will lose the few pics I have of my dad. Even though, I have copies and they are loaded to facebook, I still worry. If we are home and there is a fire, I know I will get the babies (and the picture of me and my dad that sits on the shelf near their bed) out with us. I will risk my life to get my babies out.. I wont care if the door handle is hot ( like they teach in school) I am going to get them.

Less dramatic fears: I hate roller coasters. I dont like heights, small spaces, or crowded places (not like concerts or fairs, but stores with too many shoppers or restuarants with so many people you cant think!)

Jess’s Fears are simple. She is afraid of flying and death. Her fear of flying is not that the plane could crash, she accepts that. She is afraid of crashing in the ocean and drowning or being eaten by sharks. ( That always make me laugh a little. 🙂 )

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